Processing...

My mind has been blocked up recently. It’s been very difficult for me to think. I haven’t been able to think about anything really. I think because my life has been changing so much, if I think too hard I might become frightened of what’s to come. I can’t think too deeply or I’ll realize all that will be changing. If I keep my thoughts surface level, I’m able to only see the things I want to see. I don’t want to be frightened or distraught in the idea that everything as I know it will be no longer. I want to see all the good that it will bring, because I know that the majority of that is to happen is good. I am BEYOND excited for all to come, but I am not blind to the hardship that is going to be coming.

The thing is, I know that I can get through it. I have developed a knack for when faced with sinking or swimming, I choose swim. It hasn’t always been like that, but somehow I think that’s better. I’m able to recognize things better, because I’ve experienced it all. I’m well adapted, which makes me have an even higher chance of getting through these changes. I’m confident in myself. I just have to get through the process of processing the changes. I feel like that’s the secret to life; properly processing everything. It’s all on how you view things.

For me, processing something includes thinking about everything that has happened and will happen and how it all makes me feel. Then, I write it all out. I have to hand write it though. It’s like the thoughts and worries exit my brain and then leave my body through a pen or pencil, where they stay on paper and can no longer bother me. If writing about it isn’t enough, then finally I talk to someone about it. Most of the time, I find that it is unnecessary. I understand that that’s what relationships are for, but I am not someone who likes to rely on others. I hate to be a burden, and to unload all of my problems on someone seems incredibly unfair. I also usually do not ever get close enough with someone to feel comfortable in sharing what is plaguing my mind. My mind is sacred, and few get to see all that it consists of. And I personally love it that way. I am presumably an open book, but in reality it’s only the parts that I want to show. In actuality, I am multi dimensional. I am more angry, morbid, and sad than meets the eye, but those are parts of myself that aren’t as pleasing to others and myself. So I cover them up, I only show the parts that I really love about myself and make sure other people see them too. I like this idea of being a mystery. I try to play it as well as I can. I am sweet and kind, I know this because I have intentionally made myself this way. That doesn’t mean that who I am is not genuine, because I genuinely love people and being a good friend, but like I said, it is not the only side of me. And I know I am not alone in that. The world is filled with others like me, the world is mostly consisted of people like me. Everyone hides a part of themself, it’s up to you to decide if you fall in this category as well.