Old Love-Sick Journal Entry

I found this old online journal entry that I wrote about nick, my boyfriend. I don't want to think about what it will be like when I leave. I am one who very much lives in the presence, so I will cross that bridge when I get there. alas, here is a gushy entry from may.

I feel so giddy and calm. I’m listening to SoKo’s “I Thought I Was an Alien” album while in Classical Literature. I look like crap today, but that is ok. It’s spirit day so I guess that can be my excuse, it being Hawaiian Tuesday and all. But, I am almost positive the only people who participated are the ones on court. But that is okay. I am unbothered! Life is good! The boy I like, likes me. I was told so yesterday. It all feels very middle school but I never experienced any of this in middle school, so I’m playing catch up. I told him that I liked him first. He makes me feel at ease and I’m not scared to show him my music or cry like a baby at the movies with him. We’re more similar than what meets the eye and his obsession with Heath Ledger is so endearing. It’s easy, we get along so well. It was such an instant connection. The first time I hung out with him we were in a group, but I left angry with myself because I instantly liked him. But you can’t control your feelings, and this wasn’t an exception. We decided to go to prom together a month or so later. I thought we would just be going as friends, but the more we’ve hung out together, the more I realized that couldn’t be the case.

We were in the concert together, and after one of the practices we went out to eat. It was so nice, I could definitely tell he was nervous, but I thought it was endearing. We ended up hanging out for like 2 hours over dinner. Then this weekend we went to the movies, to watch the newest Avengers movie. He had seen it once before, but he claimed he was craving it once more. So we went together! He came to my door to pick me up and paid for my ticket. I think we were both a little nervous the whole time. During the saddest part of the movie, as I sat there sobbing, he held my hand and told me “I know, I know, it’s okay.” It was sweet and innocent, and exactly what I need from a guy. We then went and got milkshakes afterwards. We sat there in a booth for an hour trying to decide who’s milkshake tasted better (mine did). We discussed how magical prom is going to be because we aren’t going with a group, it’s just going to be us. We’re going to get a bunch of different ethnic foods and sit in a field and eat. We’re gonna take photos of each other and just chill out. Then the next day we’re going to go up to Wicker Park, and I’m going to show him my little world up there. I have never been excited for a dance the way I am now. And now there’s the fact that we both know that we see each other as more, it makes it all the better.

I’m not one to get all gushy about a boy, I always feel like there’s something more to talk about, but I am a teenage girl who has a crush on a guy. I’m allowed to feel this way. Feeling things is the most important thing you can do, and I intend to feel. That’s why I was the one to tell him that I like him. I sent him a long ramble of words explaining why I liked him and that I don’t care if he likes me back or not, because he’s cool and I want to be friends with him no matter what. He texted back within 5 minutes, but I refused to read it for another 5. Reading the responses are almost as scary as sending the original text. This time, the response did not leave me hurt, but dancing in my room. He told me he was relieved that I said something, because he was afraid of telling me the same thing. I guess it wasn’t all in my head.

I ended up falling asleep quite quickly afterwards, but woke up at 3 in the morning. All I could think about was how happy it made me. I feel like such a little teenage girl, but I am not complaining. Except for the fact, now I’m exhausted and confused on why I woke up that early in the first place? I ended up falling back asleep, but I can still feel the effects. Either way, I am such a happy kid right now.

I know that I won’t be able to continue it when I leave, but for right now, I am happy. I am someone who likes to focus on the present, and that’s what I am doing. As they say, I’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I’m happy right now. I have been heartbroken once before and I got through it. If I do the same and then leave for a year, so be it. I will survive no matter, I’ll just get over it in a foreign country, which if you ask me, is much better than getting over it in Valpo.