Getting There

I’m realizing more and more, that I really have to take it second by second here. One day can produce so many emotions, it’s quite a rollercoaster. I’m definitely struggling more than I thought I would. I haven’t really been able to eat anything and it’s difficult for me to listen to music without crying. Everything that’s art or music related reminds me of home. It’s odd, because I’m fine when I talk to somebody back home, I feel better about my situation, but when I’m by myself with my thoughts after a few hours I get very upset. I feel quite alone. I know they said to do that radio silence thing, but I’ve realized that that just hurts more than it helps. I talked to a lot of the exchange students, and they all agreed it’s definitely a case by case thing. For me, talking to people back home before bed causes me not to cry myself to sleep. Which is what I’m trying to avoid.

I am quite worried that I’m going to get severely depressed here. I’ve already lost 5 pounds because I can’t stomach anything. Everytime I eat, I have to suppress the feeling of throwing up. It’s awful, especially since I’m one who loves to eat. I’ve completely lost my appetite.

It’s definitely difficult not having my own room. I was not aware that I would be coming here and not having my own real space. I’ve never been one who really likes to share my bed with anyone, unless it’s like my mom or little sister, people I’ve been sleeping with since the beginning of time. So it was quite a shock to come here and have to share a bed with my little host sister. I understand how blessed I am to live with this family, and I would not ask to switch family’s just for that reason, but it does make everything a bit harder. I’ve been sleeping on the couch in the living room instead, which is kind of nice. I go out there to read at night and then find it easier to fall asleep right where I am. I haven’t been able to go to sleep very early, last night I didn’t fall asleep until 4 in the morning, which caused me to sleep in until almost 1 pm. I don’t really mind it though. I love having alone time, it’s something that I have to be consistent in if I want my mental health to not be going down the toilet. I use that time where it’s just me to write in my journal, read the bible, do my devotionals, read a book, and watch some tv to calm me down. I just really have to keep my mind preoccupied. And I need to have my privacy, you know? So if the living room gives me privacy from 10:30 until 4 am, then I’m going to use it.

I really do enjoy it here though. It has a certain amount of charm that I admire. It is dirty, don’t get me wrong, but I really don’t mind it. My host family has been wonderful to me. My host mama took me shopping for the first day of school and bought me some beautiful clothes. My host sister has been watching over me, checking up on me every couple minutes which is super endearing. The town is taking some getting used to, but I’ve only seen so little of it. I just have to do it a tiny bit slowly. I have a way I have to process things, and for me that’s writing it all out until I understand it a bit better or am able to accept that it is happening. That’s what I’m doing right now.

Nick and I ended up not breaking up. Which let me tell you is such a relief. I swear I am not one to be super mushy about guys, I’m the girl who would roll her eyes at lovey dovey couples and people who claimed to fall in love at first sight. I never in a million years thought that this would be me. I’m not saying that I fell in love with Nick at first sight, because I had seen and heard of him before. But the moment I began talking to him at Panda Express that one day, I knew it was over. I was actually mad at myself and tried to suppress it as much as possible, but I’m telling you, that boy had my heart the moment we sat across from each other after April Antics one day. I was done for. So all that being said, I don’t think breaking up could ever be really taken seriously. Don’t worry, I don’t spend every waking minute texting or facetiming him. We’re both busy people, we both know that. So we facetime for like 20 minutes right before he goes to practice after vocational and then we send each other a good morning and good night text. Sometimes we sprinkle some texts in between here and there. But to anyone who is trying to rain on my parade and tell me to leave him in America, I’m telling you to stay in your lane. ;) I’ve never had someone who I was so comfortable with and who I considered a best friend like this. I’ve told my mom that I truly see him as an extension of myself. We’re so similar, yet different that I love it and I love him. So if I have something that genuinely makes me happy when I’m so used to despair, then I will hold on to that and do what I will with it. And if that means doing long distance, than so be it.