I Laughed

I was trying to write my college app essay today. I can’t seem to concentrate long enough. Either the coffee my host mother made for me wasn’t strong enough or I’m just honestly not able to concentrate. My mind keeps going to my face. I don’t know if that makes sense. But, I’m hyper aware of the scowl that is on it. I can’t seem to make it go away. I even do that thing where you smile non stop for like 90 seconds, it’s supposed to make you happy or at least release some of the scowl. But, it seems to not work with me right now. I’m sitting alone in my host sister’s room while the family watches a horror film. I don’t like horror films, they give me nightmares and psychological damage, so I excused myself and now am writing. My original plan, as I said, was to write my college app essay. But, I am not doing that now, because I came up with one good opening sentence and then my brain internally groaned everytime I tried to come up with a second. So I stopped. My brain won this round.

Last time I posted I said I was miserable. That is still quite true. But for a brief moment last night, that was subsided. I laughed for the first time since I got here. When I say for the first time, I’m not including the times I’ve laughed while watching Brooklyn 99 or when I laugh when the rest of my class laughs and I don’t understand it but I want to fit in for a brief moment. No, I’m not counting those. I genuinely laughed for the first time last night. I have been here 20 days, and it took me 19 days to laugh. It wasn’t even over anything that funny, just a traditional song that one of the boys showed me while he goofily sang along. I think the genre is called Manele. Almost everyone claims to hate it, but I think everyone secretly likes it. Anyway, that’s what caused me to laugh for the first time. A funny romanian song that the opening sound reminded me of a goat that Edi was able to imitate very well.

I went out with friends at night for the first time since I’ve gotten here too. There’s been a couple people who have taken me under their wing and are trying to make sure that I enjoy myself here. One in particular, Cosmin, has been putting in all the works to make sure that I’m not as bored as I was in the beginning. He got together a big group of people last night, and took me around the town with everyone. We went to a Greek fast food place, where we had Chicken Shawarma wraps. Although it wasn’t as good as my beloved Meditrina, it was tasty nonetheless. We stayed there for a while and just hung out and talked about what we did during the day. One of my friends got to see his dad which was really special. He works out of the country and only comes back a couple times a year.

Afterwards, we walked around. I think I’ve realized that most romanian kids, their time hanging out isn’t spent at one another’s houses, but it’s spent hanging out in the town. Whether it be walking around, at a restaurant, or going to a store. We did all three. We walked around a whole bunch, going all around the city. We stopped at little mini marts and got candy, sat on benches and just talked, and occasionally met someone on the street from school. The group of people grew and shrunk as the night went on. We would all walk them to their home and say our goodbyes, and soon after another person would join us. We ended up meeting someone who had a car, so we drove around a bit. They took me to a road on the hill that as the night goes on, lines up with cars as the teens of the city go there to just hang out and talk. We went there around 9, so there weren’t very many cars. But when we passed the road around 10:30 on our last round of the city before I had to go home, it was substantially more full. Most of the girls are expected to be home much earlier than the guys. So as the night went on, we had to walk or drop them all off. The guys do a really sweet thing where they all go to their door and hug the girl goodbye. Even if they’re all in a car, they all get out and hug the girl good night. I don’t know why but I think that’s the sweetest thing. I had the latest curfew out of all of the girls, so I got to stay out for a bit longer. I’m realizing over time, it’s much easier for me to speak with guys than with girls. That’s not to say that I don’t love being friends with girls, because I do! I think sometimes it just takes a lot more effort for me to be friends with them, I always feel like I’m being sized up in a way. I blame it on having 3 brothers. Boys are just more comfortable territory. I prided myself on being every guy’s friend, but no one’s girlfriend in highschool. Anyways, it was a nice evening, and it’s a relief that people have been actively trying to make sure my stay here is a happy one. I try to repay them by pouring myself into whatever we’re doing.

It’s still really hard though. I’m still struggling to find joy in most things. I don’t think my medicine is able to numb a lot of the feelings I’ve been having. I haven’t felt this depressed since before I was taking medicine. It’s difficult. It’s not even that I’m homesick, I’m just not thriving right now. I’ve gotten good at distracting myself though. I’ve read 3 books since I’ve gotten here, gotten really good at crosswords, and am obsessed with Brooklyn 99. Most of those I do during school, since they’re not grading me on anything and the only objective they’ve really given me is to learn the language and try to make friends. So I’m just sitting there for most of the day doing nothing. I believe they’re going to be moving me to the 12th or 11th grade soon, which I’m thankful for. I’ve been put in the 10th grade here. And although mostly everyone is lovely, it is hard to relate to people who are 3 years younger than you. Usually I don’t think age is a big problem, but in terms of highschool which are really formative years, it’s hard to get close with people who are at very different stages in life. So, hopefully being in an older grade will help. That means I’ll be in the same time frame as Cosmin and Edi, which will be cool, because they are some of the nicest people I’ve met.

I have hope for the future, but right now everything feels very bleh. My only goal is to survive right now. I’m definitely scared of what might happen if I get more depressed and more anxious. But I’m holding on for dear life right now. I’ll be having dinner with some people from America tomorrow which is really nice, they’re here through some volunteer program. I’m excited. Maybe they can bond with me over being yelled at by catcallers for speaking in english. Cause that’s like a nightly occurrence.