Please Trust Me

I’ve always been one to trust that everything happens for a reason. I still do. Everything happens for a reason. But this past week, there better be a pretty damn good reason why everything in my life is crumbling around me. I am strong. I know this. But whatever happens in the next coming week, know that I am doing it after great thought and consideration. My mental health is something that I’ve always struggled with and I know when I’ve reached my limit before things get too bad. Anyways, let me fill you in on my week.

As you know, Bill died on Sunday. That was an awful thing to wake up to and I am still trying to process what it means to lose someone who was amazing as him. Although I didn’t get to see him hardly at all in the past years, my fondness for him from childhood has always stayed with me. You can’t imagine how elated I was when my older brother decided to live in a house with him this year at University.

Two days after that, on Tuesday, I sent a text to my boyfriend because I felt like the energy was off. I wanted to check in on him, make sure that he was ok. I knew he had been busy and hadn’t been sleeping and that that might of caused the distance and the lack of effort on his end. This text message was replied with a “it’s not you, it’s me” text message. In the middle of class. I was thankfully able to hold in most of the crying as best as possible, except for a few gasps for air as I tried to subdue the wailing I was holding in. As soon as the bell rang and we were dismissed I ran out into the hallway with my desk mates and I sobbed as hard as I could. I called my mom after some of the girls were able to calm me down, where I then began to have an anxiety attack on the phone. Thankfully my mother was able to talk me down for the most part and made me go find the Vice Principal of the school. As she speaks fluent english and I have befriended her due to her sitting right next to me at the Rotary meetings. Sadly, she wasn’t in her office, and the poor teachers of my school had to try to figure out what I wanted as I cried and cried in her office. Thankfully, after about 10 minutes the VP was found and she let me cry some more. I stifled another anxiety attack, and was able to catch my breath a bit more. She told me that she was headed to the hospital with some American volunteers who were watching some orphans there. She said that I could come, if that would make me feel better. I went along, because I thought that any distraction was welcomed. Being over there with the kids was a nice thing for me to do. I love children and these children all had nothing but love to give. We stayed there for a little, and then my VP drove me home. I felt bad, as it was my host mother’s birthday and I spent it crying.

I switched classes as well. I am now in the morning shift. It’s fine, it gives me the afternoon. Although I can’t do much, without breaking down. Today I found out through facebook of all things that my Uncle Dwayne has died. My family didn’t tell me because they were worried it would cause me too much pain. They forgot that social media exists.

This week feels really like any other week here in all honesty. There is really nothing wrong with this place. But there is something wrong with me. I’m not going into details quite yet, because there is no final decision. But please know that I am trying to do what’s best for me. I need to keep myself safe and sometimes that means making decisions that are hard to make. I am trying so hard here. I am making friends, I’m making plans, I’m bonding with my host family, I’m doing what is expected of an exchange student, but something is not right in my head. It hasn’t been in a while, but I was hoping that a change of scenery, a blast of independence would help me. But it has made things infinitely worse and I am absolutely terrified of what that means for me. I ask that everyone understands where I come from. That I need to do what is right for me. I have not made any decisions yet, but I am leaning more towards one option than the other. I ask that no one passes judgement, as this is an experience not many are able to partake in and even then every experience is different and should be treated so. Just please know that I am trying and I have been praying and I have been meditating on the words of God and loving comments sent to me. But I have to listen to my gut and what God is saying to me, and I pray that you trust me enough to make the right decision.